PROFILES IN BEST TEAM PERIOD: GI JOE ADVENTURE TEAM

There have been a lot of great super teams throughout history; the Avengers, Fantastic 4, Justice League, G-Force, Voltron, Shogun Warriors, me, Steveo, and Smutdog...the list goes on forever!  However among all those great teams I mentioned there is one that stands alone at the top and it’s really not very close to be fucking honest!  If you don’t know what team I’m talking about well then you’re probably a fucking communist or worse a fascist and are a colossal piece of shit and I hate you!  I’m talking about the GI JOE Team and let’s clear it up, not the Real American Hero team full of campy nicknames and goofy outfits who Hollywood gleefully butchered not one but two movies in their honor.   No I’m talking the GI JOE Adventure Team coincidently composed of eight of the most bad-ass, manly men this side of a gene spliced human consisting of John Wayne, Chuck Fucking Norris, Clint Eastwood and John Holmes…in fact that being in all its glory wouldn’t hold a candle to any individual member of the Adventure Team!

The AdventureTeam came out when war wasn’t cool but being a bad ass explorer was and that was what each and every member was!  They flourished in an era when men were men clothes were fly; bitches were bitches and could be backhanded to straighten their asses out without any repercussions!  Men didn’t’ have feelings and sure as fuck didn’t deal with them unless it involved hard alcohol, loose chics and cigarettes!  The Adventure Team was James Bond meats the Bionic Man crossed with Jaques Custo with a touch of Doc Savage, endowed with big dicks!  These bros were men’s men in every single way!  Forgoing the hippy hair the adventure team rocked the enduring look of a man…Short, military style hair and/or beards!  These guys just oozed I’m gonna kick your ass and looks awesome doing it! 

Land Commander-A man’s man! This cat had the nuts big enough to run the team sporting a dark brown flocked dome and beard!  Wearing a pimp ass green fatigue outfit with a vintage revolver and accompanying shoulder holster he dealt out justice to any and all threats to anything he deemed able to be threatened!  The Land Commander was a master of any and every form of hand-to-hand combat and was probably trained by Captain America or some Shaolin Monk he met when he discovered Shambala!  A master of every firearm from small to large he could field strip a Carl Gustav M45 Sub Machine Gun blind folded while dabbling in autoerotic asphyxiation in a Bangkok brothel (eat that David Carradine)!  Ask him to fly a fighter jet, C-5 Transport, or operate a helipack he could do it drunk,blind, near death or all of the above!  He was everything plus a bag of Doritos…that’s why he was the boss…like a BOSS Rick Ross not withstanding!

Land Adventurer-basically he was Land Commander’s twin brother.  Pretty sure he ditto’d LC’s look because it was pimp as shit!  He rocked the coolest fatigues out of the whole team…WW II era frog skin camouflage!  He was a master of exploration in any and every region around the globe.  Ask him to speak Swahili and he would tell you to " "blown me" in said dialect while drinking an oilcan of Fosters in the Australian outback while taking a piss on a Tiger Snake eating roasted Kimoto Dragon he just killed with his pocket knife!  When you translated his name in American Indian it was simply Bad Mother Fucker!  There wasn’t any pickle he couldn’t handle and most he could regulate with a Colt .45 and I'm talking about pistol whipping a bitch rather than firing a shot!  He was a stone cold bad ass!

Sea Adventurer-This guy was hard as shit!  He was the type of dude who’d take a trawler out by himself in the Bearing Sea, in the middle of a storm and fish wearing a t-shirt and flip flops!  Ever had the balls to scuba dive around an underwater volcano in 153 degree seawater?  Well he has!  Some Polynesians swear that the Sea Adventurer was part Mer-Man and had gills because of his ability to free-dive for up to an hour on a single breath…impressive no?  James Cameron likes to think he was the first cat to go to the deepest, darkest parts of the ocean…well he wasn’t!  The Sea Adventurer did that shit back in 71 and left the directions on the inside of a cigarette carton for anyone who had the balls to attempt it next!  Legend has it Sea Adventurer was scuba diving off the coast of South Africa and a Great White shark decided to start some shit, Sea Adventurer removed his scuba mask and regulator and bit the dorsal fin of the shark and road its ass for an hour 10 miles out from shore, swam the shark to death then swam back in to shore with the sharks lifeless body which is stuffed and mounted at the PIT...eat that Torpedo and Deep Six!  

Air Adventurer-guy can fly anything including jet-packs and unless you're ghay, jet-packs are fucking insanely awesome!  He can base dump off a 50 ft cliff...and yes I said base jump!  The Air Adventurer is savant when it comes to the art of flying any and all aircraft.  Chuck Yeager doesn't have shit on him...rumor has it that back in 68 Lockheed Martin and Boeing were working on a joint top secret military flying saucer utilizing magnetic field tech...they couldn't  find anyone with the stones to test-pilot it...so an engineer with knowledge of the Air Adventurer went into a dive bar in Groom Lake and happened to run into the AA drunk off his ass...he approached him and asked if he would be interested in test piloting this bird...without hesitation the Air Adventurer said Fuck Yes and the Engineer relieved said great we'll set it up in a week...to which the Air Adventurer replied "Fuck No, we'll do it now"!  Boom he went up, flew the saucer, didn't crash, and after he spent the next 3 months teaching greenhorns how to fly it!  That's the Air Adventurer!

The Adventurer-it was rumored that John Shaft turned up at a meeting of the Black Panthers looking like someone just beat him silly!  When asked what his deal was he simply said I was getting fresh with The Adventurer’s girl.  At that point every Panther grabbed their shit and bolted because they didn’t want to be seen with John Shaft at that time!  The Adventurer was the black dude in the Adventure Team and he was basically the muscle!  When someone needed their shit kicked in you sent the Adventurer!  From South America to the Sudan the Adventurer left a trail of broken bones and beat in faces!  It was well known that when off duty he was the most fly of the bunch.  He frequented Club 54 and no doubt about it bedded twice as many broads as Wilt Chamberlin.  Rumor has it The Adventurer fought Bruce Lee to a draw in a back alley for the helluva it.  It’s no secret that both Black Dynamite and Afro Samurai are loose interpretations of The Adventurer!

Man of Action-Not a lot is known about the Man of Action but it’s rumored that Nick Fury’s Marvel Character is based on the exploits of the Man of Action.  Just about every document concerning this guy is still to this day classified!  It’s alleged that he fought in pretty much every major conflict officially and unofficially involving American armed forces since WW II!  The U.S. Joint Operations Command is based on a flow diagram that MOA drew up on the inside wall of a C-130 just before he pulled a HALO out said plane into the Cambodian Jungle equipped with just a knife, flashlight and pack of Camel unfilterteds.  All we knew about this cat was rumor and hearsay…from the story where he single handedly stopped the Cuban Missile crisis with a folded paper footballl to running black ops missions in Lebanon during the 80s!  The Man of Action is basically in the simplest terms… a ghost!  When some serious shit like killing needs doing the Land Commander calls only one man…the Man of Action did I mention he made Snake Wyes cry once?

Mike Power “The Atomic Man”-the other 7 members of the AT might seem like super heroes but they were all just regular Joes trained to the highest form attainable of "bad-assness"!  However Mike Power aka The Atomic Man was Super Powered.  Sporting a bionic eye, arm and leg all, atomic powered he may have been the most dangerous of all the team members…because let’s be honest here, a guy sporting atomic powered appendages could suffer a catastrophic meltdown at any point and level a small city killing every man, woman and child within a several mile radius!  For that reason Mike Power was sent on more humanitarian missions namely natural disasters!  His potential was limitless but sadly his potential to cause a HAZMAT situation himself was also limitless! 

I’d mention the 9^th member Bullet Man, but really he was a little weird and back in the 70s society wasn’t quite ready to accept a dude with a silver bullet helmet and red leotard into the greatest team in the history of great teams!

Last year marks the 50^th Anniversary of GI JOE!  What did Hasbro do to honor how awesome the Adventure Team was?  The answer is not a fucking thing which is basically a slap in the face to every kid who grew up with the GI JOE Adventure Team!  So we don’t get shit unless you like to place Real American Hero Joes up your ass!  It’s a travesty and Hasbro should be burnt to the ground for this bullshit!  Despite Hasbro’s colossal effort to be the world’s biggest Douchebags the Adventure Team still stands at the greatest team ever and transcends time and space!  It/ they will always endure and be the greatest and if you don’t agree then you’re wrong and I hate you!