DEATH CLIMB 2013

There are few things in a guy’s life they can look back on and say without any doubt that they indeed accomplished something that made them a better person!  On my short list of those accomplishments I can list surviving pneumonia twice before I was 6, graduating college with an Engineering degree from the University of Illinois, marrying then divorcing a maniac, and now completing my first 14’er!  Two of those things I did with one of my best bros Steveo the most recent climbing Mt. Bierstadt and I doubt I could have done it without Steveo pushing me along!

Mount Bierstadt is a mountain in the Front Range region of the Rocky Mountains, in Clear Creek County, Colorado. It is one of 54 fourteeners (mountains with peaks over 14,000 feet (4,300 m) in elevation) in Colorado. It is located approximately 1.5 miles (2.4 km) west-southwest of Mount Evans. The nearest major city is Denver. It was named for Albert Bierstadt, a popular painter of Colorado's Rockies of the 19th century.

Because it is generally considered an easy climb, along with its accessibility from nearby Denver, Mount Bierstadt is one of the most popular mountains to climb in Colorado. As with most peaks in Colorado, July and August make the best months for climbing Mount Bierstadt.

The most popular base from which to begin ascent of Mount Bierstadt is Guanella Pass, located to the west. From Guanella Pass it is approximately a 3 miles (4.8 km) hike, with a climb of 2,391 feet (729 m). The trail passes descends slightly into the fairly level marshlands surrounding Scott Gomer Creek before reaching Bierstadt's western slopes. On the rocky upper regions of the mountain the route of the trail is marked by a series of cairns. The trail levels about 200 feet (61 m) below the summit at saddle point before beginning the final ascent. Alternative trails cover the eastern slopes for longer hikes.

Once at the summit, a popular option is to continue the hike to nearby Mount Evans along a ridge known as The Sawtooth, an intermediate-level hike. Often such a trip will involve a detour down to Abyss Lake 12,650 feet (3,860 m) elevation), which occupies the bottom of the valley separating Bierstadt and Evans.

Albert Bierstadt's painting, A Storm in the Rocky Mountains, Mt. Rosalie, is based on sketches he made during his 1863 visit to the area. That painting shows either Mount Spalding or Mount Evans (it is ambiguous) from the Chicago Lakes, 3 miles (4.8 km) north-northwest, but Bierstadt and his guide William Byers climbed onward to the summit of either Evans or Spalding (the account is ambiguous).

I’ve been out to Colorado a lot over the past three years.  I mistakenly took crazy out there with me once and I can say it was the worst vacation i've ever been on.  In recent years I’d go so far as to say going out to Colorado was awesome therapy for me after my divorce!  Steveo is one of my best friends and he provided a place for me to escape to and get my head right!  As a result I made Steveo the heir to Chief Woodenhead, my 6’-8” Cigar Store Injun!  When Steveo found out he was the sole heir to the throne he did what any best friend would do, he set out on an elaborate plan to kill me and get that Injun!  I’m pretty sure that’s why he always talks me into to flying out to Colorado!  In doing so the odds of me dying increase exponentially!  From potential car wreck on the way to the airport to a plane crash, just getting to Colorado is risky especially considering all the terrible things I write in this blog and post to twitter and Facebook.  The chance karma will catch up with me increases every day I wake up!  I’m sure there is a small population of insecure stupid bitches reading this with their mouths full of food hopping that I bite it. To that I say this...you're all fat and it's because God hates you.

Like I said Steveo is the Sole heir to Chief Woodenhead and every time I safely make it to Colorado he has a number of deadly activities lined up in the hopes I bite the dust securing him a sweet center piece for his house!  I’ve ran a 10K in boulder, a 5K Warriordash in the mountains, mountain biked, hiked and drank more beer than any one man should admit to drinking, all because of Steveo!  I’ve survived it all!  So he came up with the fourteener!


Steveo first approached me about doing a fourteener last summer when I was out in Colorado for a short weekend!  I was a little skeptical, but he said they weren’t hard at all!  Steveo proved to be full of shit of course!  

We got to the base around 7 in the morning.  we packed around 8 liters of water, snacks, extra clothes and whatever else my guide (Steveo) thought we should take and began our march towards to summit.  Around a mile in it was evident my heart rate was accelerated and I was working like a Mexican in an orange field.  It's a good thing I workout as hard as I do because it helped me.  Flat semi straight trails soon gave way to steeper switchbacks.  Solid footing was soon replaced by fine gravel moving to larger rocks.  Midway up I was working hard.  Not sure what the slope was we were climbing but it was steep.  As the temperature dropped I put on a jacket and still continued to push on.  Stops for water and me to catch my breath became more frequent.  For a guy who weighs around 160 and can power clean 185 around 20 times in an average workout I was struggling.  With every stop Steveo would coach me on and give me some positive reinforcement because I'm not gonna lie...I was fucking dying!  Breaths became frequent and my heart was pounding out of my chest as the air grew thinner all the while Steveo kept dragging me up that mountain.  At one point we were stopped by some little girls who wanted a photo op with the Mustache! As we were approaching the last quarter mile I could see the summit.  Fuck did it look far away and Fuck was I losing steam!  We were at the point where we were stopping every 100 feet or so! 


As we began to summit larger rocks gave way to basically boulders and we were climbing.  About 200 ft later we were at the summit.  It was windy as hell, I was exhausted but we made it.  I took some time to rest but didn't take anything off because it was cold and windy!  I was so fucking happy we made it.  I actually got an adrenalin rush as I sat there and looked all around me...mountains laid out for miles.  I don't believe in God, but sitting there with Steveo made me wonder who was responsible for all that beauty!  I was so stoked but the toughs part was coming...the decent!  


When you head up elevation the air gets thinner and the air pressure changes.  You need to acclimate to all that and to be frank I didn't really do that.  As we began to make our decent muscles and ligaments I'd strained on the way up were put to an even more grueling test as we made out way down from the mountain.  My knees were in some serious fucking pain as I used small motor muscles walking down a steady steep slope.  Every step was painful and what was worse is I consumed around 4.5 liters of water and had to piss but I couldn't because the air pressure had swelled up my bladder.  Every time I stopped to piss I couldn't...no matter how much pressure I felt I couldn't piss!  This kept up for the whole trip down the mountain!  It sucked and was not only tough on me physically but mentally too.  Not sure how long it took us to get down that mountain but we did it pretty fast.  As we approached the trailhead I was overcome by a rush of emotion.  I kept looking back over my shoulder at that mountain and feeling better and better about what Steveo had just got me to do!  It was apparent I had to piss real bad but now I had to shit too.  I made a made dash to the bathrooms and as I sat there shitting and pissing I felt so relieved not because I was shitting and pissing, but because I had done something that tested me both physically and mentally!

Steveo and I sat in his Jeep drinking Dale's Pale ale scarfing down some snacks and reflecting on what we'd done.  Despite this being one of the easiest fourteeners me being from Illinois and coming out and doing this climb basically off the plane and competing it was an awesome feeling. And even more awesome was having a true bro there who had your back the whole way like Steveo did for me.  If Steveo is reading this he's probably saying WOW you're ghay but the truth is he forced me to grow as a man...and that's what bros do even if they're anterior motive is to kill you and get your sweet Indian!