PROFILES IN BLACK: DARTH VADER @DeathStarPR

Easy fanboys, you can put away the astroglide, close your iPad with the slave Leia hinte pics, take your right hand off your underutilized penises, and drop the Force FX red lightsaber outta your lefthand!  It's time to talk about how a bipolar, whiney ass pussy became arguably the biggest bad-ass in the galaxy...Darth Fuckin Vader!

The first time I saw Vader was when he came barreling through that tiny rebel senate ship.  In that particular situation he let all the Storm Troopers do his dirty work like a Boss, then after all the rebels were dead he flexed his force on some poor SOBs throat!  Any 8 year old kid was gonna think what I thought when a 6'-8" dude in all black covered in armor sounding like he just killed a truck load of Marlboros..."HOLY SHIT WHO IS THIS GUY"!  It was evident that Vader was a bad MOFO in Episode 4-A New Hope!

After that first movie Vader's legend was cemented in every kid, geek and adult still living in his parents basement jerking off to old Charlie's Angels pictures...or Tiger Beat pics of Leaf Garret if you were in the closet!  Either way you were either talking about Vader if you weren't then you lived in hte middle east!

I can still remember playing Star Wars in my bedroom reenacting scenes from the movie and of course adding in some scenes of my own like Vader killing everyone then having hot steamy sex with Princess Leia...and she wanted it!  What does that say about me, and am I some kind of sexual pervert...the answer is I'm awesome and NO!  It wasn't until Vader hacked off Luke's whiny ass hand and then dropped the largest bomb this side of Hiroshima...he was Luke's father that I realized I was a sick and twisted kid making Vader sex up his daughter!  In my defense no one knew that was the case and let's not forget Leia kissing Luke in Episode 5-Empire Strikes Back (FTR the best Star Wars movie ever).

But I digress!  Vader is indeed a bad-ass!  And it pisses me off the movies didn't focus on how awesomely awesome he was, and how bad-assidly bad-ass he was.  How bad was he?  Well you've scene those terrible prequels George Lucas tortured us with!  In those movies you saw how bad ass Jedi were...well Vader hunted down all those surviving dipshits who fell for one of the biggest tricks since the devil convinced man he didn't exist, and he killed all of them...with the help of a few thousand inept Storm Troopers!

You ever watch Vader fight?  He usually did it with one hand just like I jerk off!  If he said in his emphysematic voice he could kick your ass with one hand tied behind his back...he probably wasn't playing!  As far as Villains go there's like Vader and everyone else in the entire universe.  Dr. Doom...Sucks Vader's burnt stub of a dick, Osama Bin Laden...licks Vader's burnt out asshole, Galactus...Vader laughs at your pathetic ass..he's destroyed planets and didn't let some fucking misfits made up of some dunt Blonde, a dude who stretches, a flame dude and some second class strongman made of rick who the Hulk regularly makes his bitch!  Vader rolls up in his Death Star and annihilates a planet while he unhooks his suit and takes a piss!  I can't even think of a villain in Vader's league other than maybe the Devil and that's debatable.  When Vader's pissed, he jumps in his fucking giant-ass Super Star Destroyer and fucks your shit up!  Vader is dominance on a metaphysical level.  Vader walks into a room he gives every chic an orgasm...just because he can.  Panties get soaked and then drop when bitches see Vader...he is sex!  The only thing Vader regrets is making Luke "I'm a Shooooooooongus Gash of a Pussy" Skywalker.  I'm sure when Vader figured out how much of a vagina Luke was he vaporized a planet.  Even worse Vader probably is a little butt-hurt at how he let said pussy blow up not one but two Death Stars!  That has to be a little unnerving!  Even chopping Luke's hand off thus giving what most dudes would consider a bad ass bionic hand couldn't make him less of a pussy!  Luke Go Fuck Yourself...Love Vader!  Vader should have used the force to abort Luke and keep Leia prior to getting his ass chopped up by Obi Wan on Mustfar!  BTW if you don't know that then you're more than likely ghay or live in the middle east which coincidently you can't do both!

I could go on about all that but let's be honest Vader's body of work speaks for itself!  He is a giant, evil, skillful, homicidal, deadly, charred badass in a life support suit of destruction who commands respect and if you don't give it...he'll choke it out of you before he chops you into little pieces.  I heard a rumor that both Michael Meyers and Jason Vorhees both have Vader tattoos on the arm they kill fuckers with.  A rumor but more than likely true!



If I was Darth Vader I'd do two things and two things only...Fuck Chics and kill people for fun!  Darth Vader...Fuck Yeah!