PROFILES IN BADASS: BOBA FETT

If I like died and went to like some awesome place where there were all these really cool dudes who were like "hey bro you're so awesome that we're gonna let you come back as something completely awesome and badass, but not a cobra because that would be too badass"!  I would be like "SOLD", but what's the catch here?  "Am I gonna have to take turns jerking you fools off or something stupid that I would probably do to come back as something completely badass"?  They'd be like "well bro we have a list of badass things for which said cobra would not be on that list"!  So then this super creepy dude comes outta the shadows and says here's the list bro:

1. Navy Seal
2. Green Beret
3. Air Force Special Ops 
4. SAS Commando
5. Marine Force Recon
6. Captain America (just kidding, NO ONE can be him and fuck anyone who thinks they can, Cap's shits have more badassness then any man)
7. Cobra (again just kidding)
8. Optional Dude that is subject to approval if he's completely bad ass

Given these choices I would be like "fuck man those are some choices there"!  And they'd be like "we know right, but you have 30 seconds to decide"!  I would play all coy and then say "Optional Dude...BOBA MUTHA FUCKING FETT"!  Then there'd be this loud thunderclap and they'd all faint do to their instantaneous erections!  Then they'd be like "Granted...you are so badass that badass can't even define your badassness!

Boba Fett is indeed a bad ass.  Boba Fett is so bad ass that if he decided that sitting to pee was cool every dude would subsequently sit to pee!  I first saw the Fett in Empire Strikes back which for the record was the best Star Wars movie because he was in it-momentarily!  Every kid was like "Who the FUCK is that dude"?  I sported wood, and I was like 6 then!  It was a year until I got his figure!  I even went so far as to considering sticking said figure up my ass in hopes that it would by some sort of magic make me the world's greatest bounty hunter.  Boba Fett as we later found out was an unaltered clone of Jango Fett.  He is the most feared dude in the Galaxy not named Vader!  He is a Mandelorian Warrior!  Mandelorian Warriors are like Ninjas, mobsters, drug lords, spec ops, incredible ladies men, smart, good with money (oddly there are lady Mandelorains too), Karate Experts, and anything else that is badass!  He kills Jedi, seriously he kills Jedi, that has to be stupid difficult!  His Mandelorian Armor is fucking retarded cool, his ship Slave I (such a fucking insanely bad ass name) is fucking cool, his verpeen rifle is sweet, he has a jet pack, and ladies this is something you can learn from the Fett...he doesn't say a fucking word...PEROID!

I would totally give my kidneys to bee Boba Fett.  I would seriously go looking for trouble any and everywhere if I was the Fett.  R U SERIOUS!  I would literally fly my fucking awesome Slave I ship into Afghanistan and burn a truck load of Korans and say "WHAT"!  Then I would just start firing lasers (if I had to) and watching people run in terror!  GOD DAMMIT, Being Boba Fett would be sweet!  If I was Boba Fett I would go into the deadliest bar on the planet and order a glass of milk...on the rocks!  

I still have that figure, and I didn't shove it up my ass either, but I'm still debating doing it all these years later.  The only thing that would make The Fett better is if he had a pet cobra who he communicated telepathically with!  That would be so mind blowing!  

So after said really cool dudes erections went down they'd reconsider because having me as Fett would alter the balance of the universe and they'd  be like "bro that is so badass, we never thought of that, but we can't give that to you, it would be just to bad ass, and we need hand jobs too"!  I'd just say "fuck it man, I'll stay dead!  

Here's to you Boba Fett, your bad mother fucker!