Now
it may not be common knowledge but Steveo is the heir to Chief Wooden Head, my 6’-8”
Cigar Store Indian! So it only makes
sense that every time I head out west Steveo introduces me to ever more dangerous activities in hopes of finally acquiring the Chief!
I’m
taking the Assassin with me this May to be my mule as I attempt to tackle the Bolder Boulder, a 10K race in the altitude
of Colorado! I plan on coming back here
alive! Last year, Memorial
Day Weekend I flew out west to celebrate finally doing something I shoulda done
a year earlier! For the record Smutley I shoulda listened to you back in the day you were a wise man bro-many apologies!
To
celebrate Steveo and I went on a microbrew tour of the best breweries in the
area and I finally met my match in the form of the dreaded “Wooden Elephant Oak Aged
IPA”! Now before I get to that I
think it’s important to cover the breweries we hit up along the way!
First
stop was Left Hand Brewery where
we started off with a few pints of Saw Tooth Ale and 400 Pound Monkey IPA! We then ordered up Left Hand's Sampler! I think at this point in the story Steveo
pointed out that he was the driver and it was best if I drank all the strong
beers and most of the samplers! At the
time I thought this was a good idea! So
there I was in Left Hand priming the tank while Steveo had visions of Chief Wooden Head dancing in his head over my corpse! I’m a tank and a few strong beer samplers
aren’t gonna sink me! I’ll admit though I was
more than a little buzzed after we finished at Left Hand, and I recommend any
of their beers! If you see a store that
carries any offerings from Left Hand definitely give their beer a taste! We jumped in Steveo’s Heclipse (it’s really a
Mitsubishi Eclipse, and no Steveo is not ghay, not that there is anything wrong
with that, and notice I spell ghay with an “h” which makes it non offensive to
gay people, we cleared it with a gay guy Steveo knows-true story)!
So
we jumped into the Heclipse and headed over to Oskar
Blues Brewery. Now I’d never had any
of their beer! Lemme tell ya though
their beer is fucking excellent…that shit is brewed with the tears of baby
unicorns, I swear it has to be, especially Dale's Pale Ale! We
ordered another sampler, and again I was the dude who drank most of it. Now these beers aren’t your run of the mill
beers, this shit packs a punch! We’re
talking beers ranging from 6-10% ABV, and I was drinking 4-6 4 oz. samplers of
this shit, and it was all different varieties of beer ranging from ales to wheats! Now anyone who knows anything
about drinking beer knows you don’t wanna mix your types of beers, or at least
not do it in large volumes. It was
pretty fucking clear by the time we left Oskar
Blues Brewery that I had violated this rule and I was in a bit of a pickle. I was extremely happy, my gums
were numbing, my self-esteem was high, my depression had faded, and I was
becoming delusional! So at this point it
would seem like a good idea to call broken arrow and head home, but instead we
headed to Fort Collins and New
Belgium Brewery of course!
My
favorite beer is Ranger IPA which coincidently is made at the New Belgium Brewery! So it’s safe to say New Belgium Brewery is my
Mecca! When we got to New Belgium that
joint was packed, and I’m not fucking kidding it was assholes and elbows
packed, but that didn’t stop us from carving out a spot and firing up another
sampler…actually we did two samplers.
The first being some seasonal offerings, and the second…Wheat Beer! Now if you know me well, then you know wheats
are my kryptonite! I like wheats, but
wheats don’t like me much at all! But that
didn’t stop first name “Billy” middle name “Bad” last name “Ass” from trying to
drink every beer Steveo felt obligated to put in front of me…did I mention they
were wheats? We had a gnarly time at New
Belgium! That place is kick ass, and
like Left Hand if you’re every anywhere where there are New Belgium beers, be
sure and get one, unless of course they’re wheats (fucking wheats…I hate you). By the time we left New Belgium, I was
drunk! Not quite the "shit your pants" drunk, closer to the non coherent speaking drunk with slight dribbles of piss in the crotch of your pants drunk! Steveo of course was doing fine closing his
eyes every so often seeing that big wooden injun sitting in his front
room! At this point I thought we were
finished, mainly because I was! And
that’s where Odell’s
Brewery comes into play!
Apparently
Steveo found out that Odell’s
Brewery was having a beer festival of some sort, so he thought we might as
well hit it up since we were in the area!
How could I say no, I could barely complete a fuckin sentence! As far as I knew I was riding shotgun in the
Heclipse with that little dwarf she-male that always seems to appear to me when
I near my “Event Horizon” for being totally hammered! So Steveo me and the dwarf pull up to Odell’s
and that’s when I shoulda just thrown in the towel! Right as we walked in to the festival Steveo
thought we should get a couple beers, I guess in his estimation I hadn’t had enough yet, and mind
you we hadn’t ate since breakfast! We
got a couple 16 oz. Helihopter Double IPAs. Now double IPAs usually run around 8% ABV and I’m pretty sure this was one of em. Then we figured we should go on a tour of the
brewery, so be sauntered on over to the main entrance where a security guard stopped us in our tracks and told us no beer beyond the main entrance. So we shotgunned our IPAs and went in except
for the fact that dick guard didn’t mention the Brewery was closed, then he
laughed at us…asshole and oh by the way he was an off duty police officer and carded us "just to make sure we were legal" DICK, you know how hard it is to find your fucking license when you're distracted by a dancing female dwarf with a peepee? For the record
shotgunning an IPA is baaaaaaad juju! I
was seriously drunk right then and there!
I no longer saw the dwarf, I think he/she was dead! I should point out that at this time I ran
into the dude with the wicked sweet handlebar mustache that inspired me to grow
one of my own! After talking to
handlebar dude Steveo thought I should grow a handle bar and...get one more beer! As I ran down the list of beers and it was
extensive I told the beer wench I wanted the best IPA, she poured me the Wooden Elephant Oak Aged
IPA. Now an oak aged beer is one
that has sat in an oak whiskey or bourbon barrel for some time and absorbed some of
the flavor of the liquor! Needless to
say that shit is strong! I could barely
drink it, I was at maximum overdrive struggling to walk, but I finished it…and
it finished me…totally!
I
don’t remember leaving Odell’s at all! I
do remember having to poop pretty bad, and I remember sitting in a basement bar somewhere ordering a big ass buffalo burger that I never ate because I passed out! I remember waking up in that bar and
realizing I still had to poop, but more importantly I had to throw up! I high tailed it like a stripped ass ape out
the back door an onto the boulevard in some town I can’t even remember
the name of, and found an empty flower pot and in front of god and everyone
proceeded to puke the best puke I’ve ever puked in my whole life while using all my force power to keep from shitting my pants...Vader you ain't got shit on me when it comes to the force! God it felt great, I still remember that
feeling of relief, it would've been better if I coulda pooped too! After the puke to end all pukes I had the false
sense of soberness which didn’t last long!
I passed out on the 45 minute trip back to Denver, I didn’t remember
Steveo eating his burger and mine on the trip home resting his Styrofoam food
container on my lifeless, limp body! i just remember him laughing and waking me up when we got to his place, and I'm pretty sure he called his girlfriend and made fun of me while I was passed out! I
fought the Elephant and the Elephant won!
When I head back there this May, I don’t plan on repeating this feat,
I’ll let the Assassin be my stunt double!
Me and the Dwarf are gonna take it easy!
Cheers!
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